• Mr Humphries

Mr Humphries’ Breakdown Diaries - Week 42

Updated: May 17, 2020

Guess who’s back!

Back again.

Humphries is back.

Tell a friend.

Humphries is back.

Humphries is back.

Humphries is back.

Humphries is back.

Humphries is back.

Humphries is back.

Humphries is back.

Folks, apologies for the absence but I’ve been on a week-long conga around the bunting-laden streets of England to celebrate VE day, whilst singing ‘We’ll Meet Again’.

Moving swiftly on and back to work, this week I signed up to attend a webinar. Now, both you and I know I’ve mastered the Netflix but I am no techie. So, I asked Snoopy what he believed a webinar to be. He cleared his throat and replied with gusto, “A webinar (a combination of the words “web” and “seminar”) is a video workshop, lecture, or presentation hosted online using webinar software. Often business-related, these sessions can be used to share knowledge, ideas, and updates with people around the world. Webinars can also be leveraged to build and nurture relationships, build authority around a brand, or demonstrate a product.”

I was thus pleased with my decision. On Tuesday morning I logged on with glee, ready to be educated about all things English.

I was to be sorely disappointed.

As the patchwork quilt of webcams sprung to life, I was greeted by dozens of arachnids. Snoopy had misled me, perhaps still sore over the Mölkky losses. It turns out that a webinar is indeed a seminar, but a seminar designed by, facilitated by and run for the development of spiders. To avoid being kicked out, I quickly changed my Zoom name to Peter Parker and hoped that this would buy me precious time…

The host, Anansi, began to speak. I am unfortunately far from fluent in Spiderlish or any other of the arachnid patois (Spiderwegian, Spiderpudlian, Spidernish etc). Instead, in a vain hope to fit in, I quickly grabbed my silk pyjamas and began shredding them into threads and casting them all over my room. I'm pretty sure I saw some raised eyebrows (do spiders have eyebrows? Discuss) but it seemed for now that I was managing to fool them.

As the webinar progressed, Anansi appeared to be throwing the floor open for questioning. My spider senses began to tingle. One by one, each of my co-delegates voiced some spidery question. It would be my turn before long. How would I keep up this ruse?


I text Snoopy my plan.

The moments ticked by and I grew more tense. Would Snoopy be able to save me? How am I going to tidy up all this silk? What will I sleep in tonight?


Anansi looked down the lens and spoke to me.

I was out of time and all was lost. But just as I began to attempt some Spiderlish, my knight in shining armour arrived. Out of nowhere, Snoopy slid a piece of paper beneath me and crashed a glass down around my entire being! Anansi and co gasped in horror but it had worked! I had fooled them! I was undoubtedly a real spider. I rattled in my glassy prison with glee. Snoop cut the connection and my ordeal was over.

“Snoopy - my hero! Just let me out and I’ll make you a cuppa to say thanks...Snoop? SNOOOOOP?”

He sauntered off into the living room. The swine.

I remain inside the Foster’s glass. SEND HELP!


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