• Mr Humphries

Mr Humphries’ Isolation Diaries - a portrait of the man

The man stood, alone. Or so he thought.

Perhaps if he’d known that the local paparazzi were snooping within his grounds, he’d have chosen differently. A different mug. Not “Keep Calm And Keep On Drinking Tea Or A Hot Beverage Of Your Choice” - it had seen better days and was shorn of the glossy ceramic sheen that had originally persuaded him to part with between four and seven pounds of his hard-earned cash. In fact, for both these reasons, he’d probably have plumped for the receptacle emblazoned with “Best Teacher Ever”. Maybe they’d have believed it, maybe not.

At least he had, inadvertently at least, dressed well for these unwelcome intruders. Sure, he was casually playing a game of Mölkky but this man oozed chic whether he was wearily climbing from his pit of slumber or schmoozing incoming parents on a balmy evening at Northey Avenue. He was almost always clad in M&S Autograph, not that he’d ever mention it.

On this fine morning, he adorned his body with red and blue, two of his favourite primary colours. The crimson polyester of his shorts was striking, but even that played second fiddle to the garment on his chiselled torso. It was the reindeer who stole the show, however unseasonal his presence might have seemed to some. Truth be told, whilst reindeers appreciate the economic benefits their symbiotic association with winter brings, there is a growing section of the reindeer community that are beginning to wonder if these ties are too close...Rudolph is a sun-worshipper too you know. Humphries smiled and his new whiskers accentuated his glee. He looked stunning.

Some fashion-ignorant naysayers may have disagreed of course, perhaps some going as far as suggesting he needed his eyes tested. But a trip to Barnard Castle was not required. He is unequivocally a style icon.


The photographer in the foliage got his snap and hastily departed.

The game of Mölkky continued.

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